Writing for writing's sake--how I missed this

Warning--this is a very raw post about writing and the publishing industry. Be warned...

As some of you may know, I sold my YA trilogy STUPID CUPID in February 2008. Since then, I've written a number of proposals, brainstormed dozens of ideas, frantically wrote and wrote and wrote and pulled hair out and wrote and wrote and wrote more in the increasingly desperate attempt to sell again.

It didn't happen.

My books came out in December 2009, February 2010, May 2010. They hit the shelves. Then shortly thereafter they left the shelves, wallowing away into certain obscurity. Book tours and signings came and went, gaining me a few new readers at a time. Web site updates, more writing, gotta promote myself, why isn't anything new selling? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Writing became work. Work became a strain. Strain made me lose my joy. Instead, life became all about the numbers--how can I increase my sales? How can I increase my sales? How can I sell new books to build a backlist to increase my sales? HOW HOW HOW?

And meanwhile, in the deep-down part of me I was too scared to face, I felt unhappy. Disappointed. Invisible. Stupid. Talentless. Lame. Darling good writer friends continued to sell new books. People I couldn't stand continued to sell new books, and even shoot to the tops of bestseller lists. And here was me, somewhere in the middle of all that, writing and promoting and writing and promoting and pretty much drowning in lower midlist hell.

The continued rejection weighed on me. I struggled with excitement over promoting books that essentially felt dead in the water. I decided self-publishing is the exciting new world, so I pulled out a manuscript I loved but was a hard sell, polished up my darling superheroes and sent it out into the world, sure this would be the answer.

Still no increase in my numbers. No big sales. No big burst of popularity or notoriety.

My Stupid Cupid trilogy is being bound into one volume called STRUCK, releasing in December. A good last effort for me to get back on the bookshelves, continue to reach a new audience. Will it work? Honestly? I have no idea. But I've learned not to hold my breath anymore, to not expect anything, as cynical as it sounds. Though I've been in this industry for a few years now, there are so many things I still have to learn. Things I don't understand. Things that sting deeply.

The biggest problem here is that writing lost its sparkle. Lost its magic. Brainstorming was no longer fun--it was about coming up with a big concept that would surely sell. But it never did. It's embarrassing to think about how many ideas and proposals I've written that have flopped. But sometimes, that's how it goes. For a lot of people, that's how it goes.

Then I got a book idea. Very different than anything I've written. Dark. Brutal. Filled with scary emotions. An adult serial killer story that is going slowly, but moving forward. That is pulling out of me things I didn't realize I had. Depths I didn't realize I carried. Craft I didn't realize I could achieve.

And after that, after I've written the first 100 pgs and sent it to my adult agent, I'll go back to a YA proposal I'd abandoned before. One that is good and strong and compelling for me but had another too-similar story sell. So I'd dropped it, because my focus was on selling, not on writing.

But not right now. Right now, my focus is falling in love with writing again. I'm totally loving this crazy weird serial killer story. I'm eagerly anticipating my agent's opinions and thoughts so I can make it as strong as it can be.

And after that, I'll finish the YA proposal, because even though others have been sold like it, none of them are quite like mine. None of them have my voice, my eyes, my feelings, my unique point of view. So I will tell that story too. And I'll send it to my YA agent and work on making it awesome. And then hopefully, we'll send both of these stories out to editors.

Yesterday, I stumbled across the first YA I wrote. The one that got me my YA agent. I remember drafting it, the hopes and emotions and total zoning out I did as I escaped into my words and just...did. Didn't stress then about high-concept or selling. Didn't stress about backlist or bookshelves. Just wrote for the sheer joy of it.

God, I missed that.

The story didn't sell. Rereading it, I can see why. It needs more depth. More emotion. The characters didn't resonate enough. It took me 4 years, 4 other full novels, countless proposals for me to see that. To understand why this effort was close, but not quite there. And more importantly, for me to see how to fix those problems.

I'm reconnecting with my first love now, feeling that blush, that spark again. Remembering how much fun it was to just drift off into my own little world and breathe life into people who didn't exist before I created them.

God, I missed that.

So to all you other writers out there--to those of you who haven't sold yet. To those of you who have sold and like me, want so badly to sell again you can taste it. Hunger for it. I know how that feels. But please, don't let it make you lose your love of writing. This industry can tear you down so quickly. It can break your heart and spirit if you let it.

Your voice is your own. No one else can see or tell a story the way you can. Capture that. Don't let it go. Don't give up on what you want. But ultimately, write because you love it.

If I never sell another book again, I have to learn to be okay with that. I've long since discovered I can't control that, no matter how hard I try. All I can control is my writing, trying to bring out the best in me each time I sit down at my computer. Growing my craft, learning, connecting with other writers.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get back to writing. I have a lot to do, and I'm excited to be doing it.

IN and MI folks--come see me next weekend for booksigning!

I'm doing a group signing for an event next weekend called (most epically) GIRLS TAKING OVER THE WORLD. Yes, it's true. Girls rule. Join me, Lara Zielin, Christine Johnson and Saundra Mitchell (with guest Aimée Carter) as we dish on how awesome it is to be a chick and why girl power is on the rise.

Here's the link showing all the tour dates: GTOTW. And here's our tour schedule for next weekend!

Reading, Q and A, Signing
Friday, August 5, 2011 7:00-9:00 PM
Nicola's Books
Special Guest: Aimée Carter
Westgate Shopping Center
2513 Jackson Avenue
Ann Arbor, MI 48103


Booktalk and Signing
Saturday, August 6, 2011 6:00-8:00PM
Summer's Stories
131 S Main
Kendallville, IN 46755


Booktalk and Signing
Sunday, August 7, 2011 2:00-4:00PM
Special Guest: Aimée Carter
Barnes and Noble Livonia
17111 Haggerty Rd.
Northville, MI 48167

It's my birthday--giveaway of TEN copies of Super Zero!

So, today is my BIRTHDAY, holla! I'm 35. Yup, hit mid-thirties and moving along quite nicely. And still saying ridiculous things like, "holla!"

Anyway, let's celebrate. I'm going to give away TEN copies of my adult superhero novel, SUPER ZERO. And how can you enter to win a copy of this oh-so whacky fun (and yet...strangely alluring) ebook? By answering this simple question in the comments area: Who's your fav superhero and why?

If you tweet/FB/Google+/blog/etc. the contest, you get an extra entry per each effort, so make sure to let me know in your comment! And please make sure to provide me with an email address so I can reach you in case you're a winner.

Let's keep it open for a few days. Contest will end Monday night, 7/25/11 at 11:59 pm EST. So enter, enter, enter (and don't forget, if you help me spread the word, you get an extra entry per promo). Contest is open to anyone. Prize will be distributed via Amazon or emailed directly to you if you don't have an Amazon acct--I have a variety of formats available, so if you don't have an ereader or ebook apps on your phone/computer, you can still enter to win.

Thanks so much, guys!

My 12-year-old on bachelorhood

My son, chowing down on pasta

So, my son's decided he's a bachelor. It all started when he asked if he could eat the leftover pasta after dinner this evening. Of course, I said sure--he's skinny and needs a little more meat on them bones, haha. Here's how our convo went:

Him: "Mom, I think I'm a bachelor."

Me: ... "Uh, okay? Why is that?"

Him: "Well, bachelors eat straight out of the pan, right?"

Me: *giggle* "Yeah, sure. I guess so."

Him: "Bachelors also live by themselves. Hm--I live with my mom. I think that counts. Also, I like to make weird food combinations. Bachelors eat weird things like eat pasta and ketchup."

Me: *dying laughing* "Hold on, I have to write this down."

Him: "Well, I'm gonna go sit on the couch and amount to nothing. See ya around."

So, there ya go. All you bachelors out there, hope you make something of yourselves, because my son apparently thinks you're a bunch of driftless squatters and aspires to be one of you. haha