Adventures With Pink Eye

My sister had the funniest yet most horrific visit to the doctor today. I wanted to share what she wrote in her Facebook note (and YES, I have her permission) because I'm pretty sure I laughed and laughed and laughed until I tinkled a little. Okay, a lot. Don't judge me.

Here's what she wrote, in all of its epic glory:

"So yesterday, my eye started looking red and angry. I tried allergy medicine and eye drops but by last night it looked like the Wrath of God. This morning I still had concentrated evil coming out of my eye, plus goop, so I went to the Fast Care center at Kroger for a prescription for eye drops.

As soon as I told the lady behind the counter that I thought I had pink eye, she immediately started gearing up for combat. She ran over and got gloves and cleaning cloths and proceded to clean everything I'd already touched and everything near me that I hadn't even come in contact with.

I must have looked a bit confused because she said, "It's okay, this is to protect you and the other patients." I asked her how cleaning something after I'd already touched it would protect me, but she just gave me a look and kept scrubbing. She literally cleaned EVERYTHING I came into contact with, even though she had on gloves. To get the proper visual, picture a panicked-looking young woman wearing bright blue gloves using a cleaning cloth to take my credit card from me so she could bill me.

I get that it needed to be clean, but not right in front of me! She also washed her hands around 7 times while she was taking my vitals. Nothing like feeling like Patient X in the movie Outbreak or something; I was pretty sure that after I left she'd called the CDC and that the military will be waiting at my house with a containment barrier.

So when I finally got in there with the doctor she informed me that I do have pink eye in BOTH EYES (gah!) and would need eye drops. She said that the medicine should be pretty cheap, but that if it wasn't then she'd call in another one. That was fine--I was more worried about whether it would burn. When I asked if it would, she promptly said that it was a cheap med, but if it was too expensive she'd call in another. Huh? So I said again, "Price is fine, I just want to know if it burns." Again, she mentioned the cost. We literally had this conversation 2 more times before she finally said that it may burn because of the irritation.

But the best part was yet to come. Finally she explained how to use the eye drops. Apparently I needed to press my tear duct while my "husband or boyfriend" put the drop in my eyes, then wait 30 seconds and blink 3 times. God help me if I blinked 2 or 4 instead. Seriously. Like, the next steps were to solve the riddle of the Sphinx and bring back a phoenix egg, and only then would I get to fight the dragon and cross the underworld to speak with the wizard who could give me the magic potion to cure my eye.

The next portion of the conversation is too wonderful to paraphrase, so I'll be using quotes...

Me, a little overwhelmed: "How do I apply this myself?"

Dr. Overly Complicated Directions: "What do you mean?"

Me, getting frustrated: "I'll be doing this myself. How do I do it?"

Dr. Starting to Panic: "You don't have a husband or boyfriend"??!!??!!! (be sure to add the proper amount of shock and horror to her voice when you read this)

Me, now confused and irritated: "Uhh, no, I'm single."

Dr. Now Very Worried About My Future: "You live alone???!!!" (pity and horror this time)

Me, thoroughly pissed off: "Yeah, all alone. It's just me and all of my cats."

Dr. Smelly Fart-Face: "Ohh, well I guess you can apply it yourself. Just do 2 drops and try to rush-press your tear ducts to keep the drops from dripping through the bottom of your eye into the back of your nose." (I wish I was making this up)

Sigh, so I don't even like cats, but seriously, within the span of 10 minutes they made me feel like I had the plague and was deliberately spreading Super AIDS to orphans, and that I was a spinster who would die alone to be eventually eaten by my cats because no man will ever love me. Probably because of the pink eye."

Okay, so let's all give my sister a little bit of love--poor thing is likely about to be quarantined in her apartment. I told her I hope she stocked up on ice cream...