Battling the control freak in me

I tend to be a bit of a worry-wart. When things are out of my control, I start freaking out. I don't like feeling helpless. I think part of it is because I crave security. I like feeling like I can at least somewhat control my future because of my actions.

My day job is coming to an end in October--they are closing our site down. Yes, I am really happy that I have plenty of time to hunt for a new position, but given the current economy, I worry I won't find one, even with this much lead time. I'm actually having nightmares about juggling 4-5 different jobs just to try to keep up...and it not working out.

Writing is actually the same way: the only thing you can really control is what you write. After that, a lot of it is out of your hands--if an agent will like it and want to rep you. If an editor will see something in your manuscript. If the acquisition committee will agree with the editor. I'm trying to sell another book right now, and I'm working on new proposals like mad. Even selling before is no guarantee you will sell again...which of course, bothers me a lot. But it's something I continue to strive to let go of--the best thing I can do is try to make sure my ideas and writing are marketable and strong.

There's an old saying that goes, "Leap, and the net will appear." This is something I need to work more on believing this year. I'm doing the best I can. I have to trust that I'm paving the way for good things to happen for me and my family. Even though it's insanely scary. Even though I'm trusting in something I can't see right now.

But that's what faith is all about, right?

To anyone else out there struggling with insecure futures, hang in there--we can get through this. ((hugs))